How the Fear of Dependency Fuels Inequality
There's something we don't talk enough about. When Self-Reliance Becomes a Cage…
Not in leadership seminars.
Not in productivity blogs.
And definitely not in the decision-making rooms.
But it shifts under everything.
A profound, ancient coding.
What if the very individuals who boast of being independent…
…the ones who "don't need help," who "pull themselves up by their bootstraps"…
…are quietly supporting the very system they believe they're outside of?
Let's start with a childhood whisper.
The Wound Beneath the Hustle
To so many, the notion of dependency being bad begins early.
In the homes where need was met with irritation, asks were curbed, and feelings were shamed, children became masters at existing as hyper-independent ones (Helier, 2019). They knew that to be "too much" is to be rejected. So they learned not to need.
And they became adults…
into high performers, quiet fixers, the ones you can always count on.
They built companies. They climbed ladders. They became heroes of their own stories.
But just below the surface, a wound existed.
The presumption that to need others is weakness.
That those who stumble just aren't trying hard enough.
And here's where it gets dangerous.
The Ideology of "Earned" Worth
This wound doesn't just create individual lives. It becomes policy.
People socialised to fear dependence will support ideologies that celebrate independence and shame "handouts." Not out of malice — but because their identity is built around getting by on their own (Brown, 2012).
So when they see someone ask — for food, shelter, medical attention — it evokes shame.
They may be thinking:
"I didn't need help. Why should they?"
But what they're actually saying:
"I never felt safe enough to ask… and I don't want to admit how much that hurt.”
And so… they unwittingly join forces with billionaires who take on this mindset.
Yes — even if they've never stepped foot in a boardroom.
The Bizarre Partnership: Billionaires and the Hyper-Independent
Billionaires don't amass wealth — they amass stories.
They fund think tanks and media outlets that sell the meritocracy gospel: that they are more entitled to more! (Giridharadas, 2018). That the poor are poor because of sloth, lack of effort, not systems. That the market is always right.
They don't merely buy this narrative by the rich — but the grievously wounded independent.
Because it validates all they were ever taught: that independence is noble. That to need is to fail. That to endure hardship is noble, and to beg is shameful.
This creates a powerful alliance:
- Billionaires benefit from reduced taxation, deregulation, and starved public systems.
- Hyper-independents pay for these systems because they see dependency as a personal failure — and not as a systemic one (Piff et al., 2010).
So billionaires don't have to silence the masses.
The masses do it to themselves.
The Politics of Projection
You might label them lazy. You might vote to cut off the programs upon which they depend. You might mock universal basic income, disability benefits, housing subsidies.
But beneath that response is a suppressed desire:
"Where was my help?"
The extremist independence ideology does not just punish others. It imprisons the believer — denying them rest, receiving, and actually relating.
It keeps them locked in a fortress they mistake for freedom.
And inequality grows.
Because when we stigmatise dependency, we limit the social contract.
We condition care.
We enable billionaires to act like saviours — while dismantling the very systems that could have saved us.
So What's the Way Out?
It begins here:
What if needing others isn't weakness — but wisdom?
What if we were able to grieve for the care we never received…
…and release holding others in shame for asking for what we learned not to.
What if actual strength isn't solitary hardship—but interdependence on one another?
There is more to write. There always is.
But maybe that's where we begin: with the suffering we kept hidden,
and the courage to say:
I needed help too.
And I still do.
And so does everybody else.
References
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Giridharadas, A. (2018). Winners Take All: The Elite Charade of Changing the World* Knopf.
- Helier, L. G. (2019). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Piff, P. K., Kraus, M. W., Côté, S., Cheng, B. H., & Keltner, D. (2010). Having less, giving more: The influence of social class on prosocial behaviour. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(5), 771–784.
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