Why Do We Other—and How Can We Stop?
Training the Mind to Remember We Are One
There is a moment, silent, unremarked, when your head decides before you realise it. You glance at someone on the train. Something tightens in your chest. Wordless judgement. Distancing.
You didn't choose to do it. But what if you could choose not to?
Humans are preprogrammed to "other." Evolutionary psychology suggests this tendency served our forebears well by quickly differentiating friend from foe (Cosmides & Tooby, 1992). But in our modern, pluralistic world, this primaeval shortcut leads us down danger-laden paths—bias, segregation, even violence (Tajfel, 1982).
And yet, the more profound truth remains: These patterns are not fate. They're thought patterns. And like all patterns… they can be reprogrammed.
The First Shift: Awareness Awakens Power
The first time you find yourself slipping into "us vs. them," something magical happens: you notice the script. Awareness shatters the illusion. When you become aware of implicit bias and group-based cognition (Banaji & Greenwald, 2013), you can disrupt the automatic cycle. You breathe. You slow the story.
Awareness is only the doorway. What's inside is stronger.
The Second Shift: Contact that Changes the Brain
Studies have shown that positive interaction with the individuals we experience as "different" reconditions our minds (Pettigrew & Tropp, 2006). But not any old contact; it must be purposeful, enquiring, and secure. A shared meal. A team goal. A difficult talk. Fiction can do this too. Tales build bridges in our minds (Mar et al., 2006).
And as the bridges are being built, something else begins to dissolve…
The Third Shift: Melting the Walls Within
When we humanise the “other,” we reclaim a part of ourselves. Research on compassion practices like loving-kindness meditation shows that we can expand our circles of care deliberately (Hutcherson, Seppala, & Gross, 2008). You don’t have to like everyone to care that they suffer. You just have to remember that they are alive.
That the minute they were a baby, someone cares about them. That they, too have cried in the dark.
The Final Shift: Becoming Someone New
Imagine waking each morning with a brain trained not to separate, but to bring in. Imagine meeting someone "other" and feeling curiosity instead of fear. Compassion instead of defensiveness. This isn't utopia. It's neuroplasticity. Your brain, reshaped through repetition.
As you condition yourself to see the whole human in every interaction, you don't just resist othering. You become the kind of human being who feels comfortable to others. You become the kind of human being who remembers.
We were never meant to be strangers.
References
Banaji, M. R., & Greenwald, A. G. (2013). Blindspot: Hidden biases of good people. Delacorte Press.
Cosmides, L., & Tooby, J. (1992). Cognitive adaptations for social exchange. In J. Barkow, L. Cosmides, & J. Tooby (Eds.), The adapted mind: Evolutionary psychology and the generation of culture (pp. 163–228). Oxford University Press.
Hutcherson, C. A., Seppala, E. M., & Gross, J. J. (2008). Loving-kindness meditation increases social connectedness. Emotion, 8(5), 720–724.
Mar, R. A., Oatley, K., Hirsh, J., de la Paz, J., & Peterson, J. B. (2006). Bookworms versus nerds: Exposure to fiction versus non-fiction, divergent associations with social ability, and the simulation of fictional social worlds. Journal of Research in Personality, 40(5), 694–712.
Pettigrew, T. F., & Tropp, L. R. (2006). A meta-analytic test of intergroup contact theory. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(5), 751–783.
Tajfel, H. (1982). Social psychology of intergroup relations. Annual Review of Psychology, 33, 1–39.
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